We are delighted to announce that James Davidson's debut novel Going Loco is published on 12th December 2019...
Going Loco is a dark comic tale about one man's descent into madness caused by his daily comute.
This dark debut comedy novel by James Davidson about a man slowly going mad doing the daily commute will have you chuffing with laughter.
Follow our hero as he goes off the rails, he rants, he raves, he pontificates till he is blue in the face.
Do NOT read this book in the “quiet coach” – as it will have you laughed out of it. Let the train take the strain? – Watch it buckle and derail more like!
Dear Tyne & Wear Anglo Trains,
I am not usually one to complain. My wife is the black-belt grumbler in our family. However, last week the train was late three evenings out of five. Therefore, I felt it necessary to make my thoughts to you clear. Every second evening it seems, the conductor makes the same announcement. “Apologies for the delay, we are stuck behind a slow-moving Metro”. Consequently, I get back home late to Hartlepool - my home station.
This may not seem too significant but let me take you back to my point earlier about my wife. You see, she picks me up from the station, and every night I’m getting blasted like a teenager’s Spotify because she’s missing the start of Emmerdale.
So, call it a brainwave, call it revolutionary, call it out-of-the-box thinking, call it simplistic genius, call it what you will... but why not set off BEFORE the twatting Metro? Especially as we wait in Newcastle Central for five minutes, generally to allow The Conductor Who Looks Like The Bald One With The Long Hair From Status Quo Whose Name Rhymes With “France Is Mossy” to chat up the female station staff. Looking at their unimpressed faces, he isn't going to be rocking all over their world anytime soon. Nonetheless, God loves a trier!
What do you think of my suggestion?
I appreciate how frustrating it can be when you face delays. At Tyne & Wear Anglo Trains, we do our utmost to ensure we run to schedule, getting our precious passengers to their destinations as expected. From time to time, things don’t go to plan. I can see that last week we were indeed inconvenienced by the Metro system. Although our services did set off on time, the Metro was delayed., causing us to get stuck behind it all the way to Sunderland. I would like to apologise for the inconvenience.
As for your suggestion; as above, we are setting off as planned. It’s the lateness of the other service that is causing your delay, over which we have no influence. Maybe your wife could record Emmerdale instead?
Thanks for your reply. I let the wife know of your suggestion. I can’t repeat where she has asked me to shove the TV remote! However, you would require some ice on your ‘Woolpack’ afterwards.
Dear Tyne & Wear Anglo Trains,
In a deliciously ironic twist from last night, I am now sardined on the "slow moving Metro". All the regular trains have been cancelled. Presumably The Conductor Who Looks Like The Bald One With The Long Hair From Status Quo Whose Name Rhymes With “France Is Mossy” has worn down the bird from the station. They are now on a date and consequently, there's no-one to punch the tickets.
There'd be more room in a London bed-sit. I’m stood sandwiched between Andre The Giant and a biddy crunching crisps. It's like she's trying to chew through a Snickers that’s been in the fridge since Michael Jackson was black. Not sure on the pressure per square inch, however, there are sparks and crisp shrapnel flying off her dentures everywhere. She's like a cartoon beaver. I’ve put my glasses on for protection as I fear losing an eye.
I've had my foot stood on, my arse felt and now just been shoulder-charged. No wonder it's slow - every evening it's carrying the population of fucking Peru. Next time I'd rather walk home over broken glass. Bring back the trains!!!
So, is the reason for the cancellation that The Conductor Who Looks Like The Bald One With The Long Hair From Status Quo Whose Name Rhymes With “France Is Mossy” getting lucky?
Is The Conductor Who Looks Like The Bald One With The Long Hair From Status Quo Whose Name Rhymes With “France Is Mossy” the gentleman with a ponytail?
© KGHH Publishing 2019