Dear reader, I often take pleasure working with this little lady. A great writer of everything from poems, stories, plays and even gags.
The unique talent that is Ms Leesa Wallace. Her very name in itself shows that she is different. Not many woman spell Leesa like that, and even fewer men.
Leesa Wallace is a hard woman to track down. Usually sonar is the best way, as she has a love for sailors and is often all at sea.
Rumour has it, she is so good at multi-tasking, she can have a three way conversation while having a multiple orgasm!
Granted, it's usually when there are more than two men in bed with her at the time!
I found her in a top secret naval base, ironically contemplating some sailors navels.
She popped her head out of a hatch in the submarine, like the lady in the lake, and asked me to "come aboard?!"
Me thinks she's said that to a sailor or three in her time.
She quickly showed me around the boat and showed me the Captain's log. I told her I usually needed to do a quick double flush, and we ended up in the mess. That is how most of my dates and nights end, a mess of some kind anyway.
KG: Your poems are very dark to say the least. What is a good poem to you?
LW: Darkness often seems to be my middle name I think! A good poem to me is one that stirs something in me. It either creates an image in my mind or allows me to understand what the writer's feelings are. However, I also like ones that offer me escapism.
KG: Can we talk about love? Who do you love in life? Do you ever write any poems about love, happiness and little fluffy bunny rabbits?
LW: I can write about a rampant rabbit, does that count?! Fluffy bunnies are yet to have a starring role in anything I've written, but you never know! I have written a few upbeat poems about love and happiness though. Now and again some positivity rears its head! My family and close friends are the people who I truly love in life and would be lost without.
KG: You have your first solo Novella out called "Squat". What's that about, weightlifting? First of a sequel, Clean & Jerk to come? Or are they more erotic works?
LW: They're not erotic works, they're items on my weekend "To Do" list! Squat is a supernatural horror / thriller about two homeless teenagers who squat in a deserted building and get far more than they bargained for.
KG: You've written a few stories with my Grandson Graeme Parker. Do you get on well with him? You must have the patience of a saint?
LW: Graeme is a godsend to me and a truly great friend, as well as being one of the most talented people I've known. He is my writing partner and inspired me to get into writing in the first place. I have much to thank him for and never need any patience for him actually.
KG: Do you prefer writing in a partnership or as a solo writer? What are the major differences?
LW: I like both in their ways. Writing on my own is good as my imagination just wanders all over the place. However, my imagination does have a habit of rambling incoherently from time to time, especially if it's left out to play on its own for too long!
Writing with a good partner is great too though, as you can bounce ideas off each other, inspire each other, and have someone encouraging you along the way. Also, in a trusted partnership you can get reliable and honest feedback from each other as you go along, whereas on your own that kind of support isn't as readily available.
KG: What are your writing plans for the future?
LW: I'm currently working on a second poetry book at the moment. I'm hoping to have that ready for publishing soon. I also have a second novella that's in the planning stages at the moment.
KG: Are you enjoying getting into publishing up and coming authors?
What is the hardest part of it and your favourite part?
LW: The publishing business is great and although it's hard work it's also very exciting and rewarding. My favourite part is helping new writers get their works published and knowing that I'm helping them along in a tough business. The hardest part is the general organisation of the business as it develops.
KG: You seem a natural on a boat?
A valued member of the crew. I just heard them say that you've blew their torpedo tubes?!
And the other sailor said you have no problem working closely with salty seamen?
Do you like to feel a member? I mean a member of the team?
LW: I always like to feel a member and I am more than happy to ride up and down with the sailors! I find that the rocking back and forwards is very satisfying! I only touched the torpedoes a little... I really didn't expect them to shoot off that quickly!
In all seriousness, I'm probably more of a lone wolf than a team member. If I need to be a team member though, I'll always do my best to muck in.
KG: So, you are a mucky wolf, you could say?
LW: I guess, YOU could. Are you okay Mr Gore, you look a bit green around the gills?
KG: I need the loo. Where is the poop deck on a submarine?
I'm feeling a bit sea sick, even though we are submerged.
Don't you feel sick of going down with these sailors all the time?!
LW: The poop deck on a submarine is a pile of crap! I never have a problem with going down with the sailors and I can always raise their periscope if I need to.
KG: You've worked a lot in the theatre, would you like to write more work for the stage?
LW: I've only really done technical theatre in the past. Lighting, sound, set and so on. I'm a big fan of the theatre though, so it would be great to see something I've written being performed on a stage.
KG: I often have very strange dreams, very scary, you are the same aren't you? You should write them down. What would be your writing dream?
LW: I do have some crazy and rather disturbing dreams. I think my subconscious seeks vengeance on me when I fall asleep for some reason! Writing my dreams down may be an idea, and would probably produce some good horror material!
My ultimate writing dreams are probably the same as most writers - to be a bestselling author with a lucrative writing career spanning many years. However, back in the real world, if I could make an average living at doing something I love and maybe bring some enjoyment to people into the bargain, then that would be brilliant and very rewarding.
KG: You've done lots of different styles of books, poetry, comedy, thriller, horror, I hear even a children's short story collection is on the cards?
LW: I have seemingly hopped between genres a bit! I think I often just write what ideas come into my mind to be honest, and then consider what audience I'm aiming at later. There is a children's short story collection coming up in the not so distant future. I'm co-writing it with my writing partner Graeme Parker and I'm really looking forward to working on that.
KG: Who is your favourite fictional
character? And who in fiction would you compare yourself too?
LW: My favourite fictional characters are Poirot and Mary Poppins. Slightly contrasting, I know! I like the way Poirot goes about solving the crimes he's dealing with and also his general persona. Mary Poppins just has a certain magic to her that I loved as a kid, and that magic hasn't really died off for me.
As for who I'd compare myself to... Probably Neil from the Young Ones as he's forever down and looking at things bleakly. He also has my haircut come to think of it!
KG: What advice would you give to aspiring writers?
LW: I'd say write stories you enjoy. Don't write a kind of story just because it's the "in" thing, unless you actually enjoy that "in" thing. If you don't like what you're writing or you're forcing a certain style on yourself, there's a good chance you won't write at your best.
Secondly, I'd say try to make sure you get a good edit, title and cover for your book. The first thing people look at when buying a book is the cover and the title on it, and for an unknown writer you really need that to be eye-catching. A good edit is rather critical too- nobody wants to read a book that's too long-winded or full of spelling errors and typos. At its best it will look unprofessional, at its worst, it'll make your book irritating or unreadable.
KG: You are also a very good editor yourself, with very reasonable rates. I was going to say you come cheap but that doesn't sound right. What are your rates and what would a writer get for their money?
LW: I do come cheap and often! I try to keep my rates very reasonable and competitive. On average, I charge £50- £60 per edit, unless it's the next War and Peace in length! In which case I may charge a little extra. I can normally come to some arrangement for people who have money problems or up-and-coming writers though.
KG: What do you think makes a good editor & a good edit?
LW: A good editor needs a good grasp of the English language. Not just spelling but also things like grammar and sentence structure. They also need an eye for detail and be the type of person who is happy to amend other people's work.
A good edit tightens a story up, cutting out any truly unnecessary words or sentences. It also picks up any typos, spelling mistakes, grammatical errors, or anything else that interrupts the flow of the story.
KG: How do you see the publishing company developing and growing?
LW: At the moment, we have some excellent new writers on our books and we hope to increase that as we go along. We predominantly deal with e-book publishing, editing, proofreading and cover design right now, but we've recently started moving in to printed copies too. I'm sure we'll be doing far more of those in the future.
At this point I thanked Ms Wallace, having enjoyed my month's rum ration in one night. I told her I was ready to surface and get my feet on dry land. I was then a little shocked to discover that as this was a nuclear submarine, we planned to submerge for an entire month and would be bobbing around the Baltic sea. I had a little bit of a panic attack and insisted I be fed into a torpedo tube and fired at the south of France...
TO READ LESSA WALLACE'S WORK FOLLOW THESE LINKS:
Leesa Wallace, is a truly gifted writer. She is shy and retiring but cannot hide her talents.
Great writer of fiction, poetry, a real gag-Smith and joke writer even. Works tirelessly to help other writers and started her own fabulous publishing company Wallace Publishing in 2015.
CLICK HERE FOR A LIST OF LEESA'S BOOKS!